He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
