I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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