Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
