i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
