I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
