I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
