it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
