I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wish my penis had a tongue
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
