once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
