then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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