I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
