i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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