So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You took a bar mat shot.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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