so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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