Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My vagina just recognized that song.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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