soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
