Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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