Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
