cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I lost the right to judge tonight
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
