yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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