Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
