I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
