Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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