the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
