nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
