Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
