Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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