i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
