I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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