i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
