if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
