Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
