he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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