You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
