just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
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