Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
try to milk me bitch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
