Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
