Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
