I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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