Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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