my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
