Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
