made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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