So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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