On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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