this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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