she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
