i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize