there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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