I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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