did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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