btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
