I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
