I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just invented taco cereal.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
