Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
