he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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