how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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