Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
