i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
