one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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