These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
