The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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