I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
